Booze-fueled time travel? Not buying it


Alcohol has led to some of the greatest achievements in the history of mankind.

Seriously.

How many couples have met because of alcohol? How many great ideas (“I'll bet I can put my whole foot in the mouth of that crocodile and pull it out before he even notices that I snuck up on him naked!”) have gone from thought to action because of alcohol? How many of you might not be here if it weren't for alcohol?

OK, maybe don't answer that one, but it is clear that in America, we love our booze. We are a very alcohol-focused country. Even the best time of day – happy hour – is named for that short time period in which you can buy your hooch more cheaply. Oh, and you get free popcorn.

Liquid courage, indeed.

But I read a story recently that has sealed my admiration of alcohol as the elixir of our times.

I am convinced that as a country we are getting dumber at an alarmingly fast rate. When people spend much of their free time arguing politics on social media, you know we are in trouble. When you take a listen to popular music, you know we are in trouble. When people riot at McDonald's because there is not enough sauce mentioned on a late-night cartoon, you know we are in trouble. (Look it up – it's true.)

So I was not surprised when a man in Wyoming – and I am going to guess he is not a surgeon or a college professor – who, after being arrested for public intoxication, claimed that he had come here from the year 2048 to warn us all that the aliens are set to invade.

Crazy story? Well, I have never personally seen an alien, but I think the existence of life on other planets is pretty much a sure thing. Intelligent life? I don't know. So the whole alien thing is not the issue here for me.

An attack doesn't seem that extreme to me either. If aliens were going to attack, now seems like about the best time to do it. The entire world is in disarray, and with everyone saying everything is fake news these days, an alien invasion, started on a small scale and slowly ramped up, might slip through the cracks.

And time travel? I am no scientist, but I understand that it could be possible. I can only hope, because I would love to eventually fix some past hair decisions I have made.

No, my only surprise in this alien abduction story came when the man, who police said smelled of alcohol, said that he was able to time travel because these apparently tequila-loving aliens filled his body with alcohol.

So, that time in 1980 that I had too many beers at a party in the desert, I was really just trying to time travel with aliens? I wish I had that gem loaded up to use on my mom the next morning.

Sorry, drunk guy in Wyoming, as Americans we understand and have fully harnessed the power of alcohol. And, sadly, one of its properties is not time travel. You might feel like you time traveled when you wake up and aren't sure where you are, but that is not real time travel.

You should have said they filled you with diamond dust, or hydrogen or Taco Bell hot sauce – anything but alcohol.

But the fact that you reached down and pulled out booze as the means for time travel, well, I just have to applaud your use of redneck wine as the fuel for this little fantasy. Well played, drunk guy in Wyoming. Another loss for our collective intelligence, but another win for the hard stuff.

In the meantime, I will make sure my bar at home is fully stocked with time travel juice just in case the aliens attack. Nothing wrong with being prepared.