The warm weather is finally here, people. Let us celebrate with cool beverages, clothes that really aren't appropriate for people our age, and a healthy dose of the greatest invention in the history of man – air conditioning.
I love summer, and I love warm weather. That's good because I am from the desert, where is is already well over 100 degrees and has been for weeks. In our area we have finally hit the upper-70s and 80s.
Better late than never, I say.
But along with the warmer weather comes responsibility. Yes, I mean making sure you drink plenty of water and wear sunscreen. Yes, I mean don't leave your pets outside in the heat. Yes, I mean double up on the ice cream folks.
Of course, there are things you should never, ever do in the summer. Most of you know these, but it is always nice to have a refresher. Thankfully, I am here for you.
* Don't wear black socks with your shorts and sandals. This should never, ever, ever, ever, ever happen. And I mean never. You shouldn't wear socks with sandals at all – they are sandals! If you must, make sure they aren't black. If you are rocking shorts, block socks and sandals, know that everyone around you is embarrassed on your behalf.
* Hey, you hillbillies – yes, you. Get rid of those cutoff shorts. It is not 1977 and Jimmy Carter is not in the White House. No one north of Mason Dixon Line wears cutoffs anymore. Or at least they shouldn't. If you are wearing cutoffs and don't have a mullet, you are simply doing it wrong.
* Dear people shopping in Walmart – please keep your short-shorts at home. I speak for the entire world when I say we don't want to see any of your naughty bits. If your children hide when you pull out those “super hot” shorts you bought in 1998, take a hint and throw them away. The look of horror on all of our faces should have been a hint.
* If you are sporting a farmer's tan that would make John Deere proud, please don't wear a tank top. Seriously, seeing old, flabby dudes with their white “biceps” turning red before my eyes in the sun is just not a pretty sight. Tan in the privacy of your backyard before taking your “guns” out in public, or spray tan those things.
* A tank top undershirt – known to many as the incredibly inappropriately named “wife beater” – is not OK for general public wear. It is an undershirt, folks. And as the nickname suggests, it is coveted by a particular segment of the population most don't want to be associated with. I do make an exception if you are wearing cutoffs and have a mullet, as mentioned above. That is a great example parents can can use to scare their children into staying in school.
“Junior, do you see that guy over there with the cutoffs, mustard-stained wife beater and scraggly mullet? That's what happens if you don't study!”
* A swim suit is not going-out wear. Sorry to break it to you people born during the second Bush Administration, but going out to dinner in your swimming suit is not acceptable – unless it is at a beach, river, pond, lake or similar body of water outside.
* And, as usual, don't wear your pajamas out in public!
Other than that, have a great summer everyone – and stay cool.