I am certainly no fan of cold weather


Yeah, well, it has happened.

The days of laughing and jumping and smiling and, especially, riding my motorcycle for the year are over.

Gone, adios, kaput, done.

It happens every year, and every year I swear that I am going to start spending my winters in Arizona. (Then I remember that I can’t because my boss probably would not like it if I was gone for five months).

The glory of summer is gone, a thing of the past. It isn’t even officially winter yet, and I feel like I have been living in a sunless Norway for months. When will this horror end?

No, I am not a winter person.

I can hear you, people who have lived here your whole lives, scoffing and guffawing at the mindless rantings of a girly man not fit for these more northern climes. You are probably thinking, it’s barely cold and we haven’t had our first snow storm yet.

True, but just look at this week: thick fog, rain, high winds and even a thunderstorm (!) are in the forecast.

This is just diabolical.

I have lived in the Midwest for a total of about 16 of the 54 years I have been alive. You would think by now I would have found something – anything – to like about winter. People always go through the list with me:

Snow – Them: It is beautiful and fun! Get a snowmobile or do some cross-country skiing!

Me: Ah, what? If you think snow is beautiful, I will just assume you don’t know what beautiful means. A sunset at the beach is beautiful. A 1967 Ford Mustang is beautiful. An Italian beef sandwich from Portillo’s is beautiful. Snow is not beautiful. It is wet and has to be shoveled and driven in.

Ice – Them: You can ice skate! You can ice fish! It’s a winter wonderland!

Me: Please, settle down. I tried ice skating once and almost broke my ankle. And ice fish? You mean walk out on frozen water? Have you not taken your medication today?

Cold – Them: The cold is invigorating!

Me: So, you are saying that when it is 10 below zero, you feel healthy and strong? Is that what you are saying? Because if that’s what you are saying, I will be notifying the authorities that there is a crazy person on the loose in Ogle County.

Christmas – Them: Christmas is in the winter, so the winter can’t be all bad, right?

Me: Wrong. The Christmas season, which apparently started sometime in August, is not the most magical time of the year. Sure, having an extra day off is pretty sweet, but it happens in the winter! All you can do is sit inside and dream of warm temperatures.

Bugs – Them: There are no bugs in the winter.

Me: That’s because they are smart enough to die before it gets super cold.

I know, I sound like a grumpy dude. I also know that some people absolutely love winter and are sad when it is over. They love snow and cold and hot chocolate and sitting by the fire and warm sweaters. These are the same people that need to be on a national registry of “people who should be closely watched.”

So, enjoy your winter, you winter lovers. Have snowball fights and build snow forts. Ice fish and ice skate and generally freeze while you make merry. I will be over here dreaming of the green and warmth of summer while trying to not kill myself shoveling snow off of my front steps.