New year is not off to the best start


Well, 2018 is not getting off to a good start.

I should have known this year was in trouble when I saw a woman get out of an expensive vehicle at the convenience store wearing pajama bottoms and slippers. That was a very bad sign.

The biggest clue? This weather.

Seriously, is there a single person in the state who is enjoying this weather? Human beings were not meant to live in a place where the temperatures are below zero for an extended period. OK, at least not people who live in this world of instant gratification. We complain when our Internet service is slow, so how can we be expected to live in temperatures where we can’t even pull smartphones out of our pockets?

Thankfully, temperatures have now rebounded some and are back to near “normal” levels. But the last couple of weeks have proven to me that I am maybe the least hearty person on the planet.

You don’t believe me? Let me give you some of the evidence I have compiled.

* I almost froze to death taking my garbage to the curb. Seriously. We have a long driveway, so taking the garbage down is a bit of a hike, especially when it is -5 degrees. Taking it down recently, and dressed like I was ready for an assault on the summit of Mount Everest, I nearly fell after slipping on the ice. I imagined myself not being found until spring. I almost yelled at my wife, who was watching from the garage, “Don’t wait for me! Go on and live your life!” But I noticed I was only 10 feet from the garage. Yes, I can be a little dramatic.

* It has been so cold that I used the hood on my winter jacket. That may not sound like a big deal, but for me to cover my head it has to be brutally cold. I am usually more concerned with safeguarding the integrity of my hair style than being warm. But while I might be dumb, I am certainly not stupid.

* On New Year’s Day, my wife and I binge watched Netflix with the heat in the house cranked and an additional heater on high facing the couch. I was dressed from head to toe in warm clothes and wrapped in a blanket. And I was still cold.

* My family on the West Coast thinks I am insane. I know my brother, who was out golfing in 70-degree weather on New Year’s Day, does. Even my dad seems to think I need some kind of intervention. Who in their right mind would live in that cold, he asked? Sadly, I had no good answer for him.

* I turned the fan off at night recently. I am one of those people who likes to be cool when I sleep, and I use a fan for that purpose. Lately, the fan has been off because it is so cold outside I am not sure I would wake up if I left the fan on. People who sleep with a fan know what a big deal this is for people like us. Yes, it has been that cold.

But the weather gods have smiled on us, or at least stopped frowning. The temperatures have rebounded, and I no longer feel like I might die if I accidentally step outside without 40 layers of clothes on.

I can also go outside without covering my head and not be laughed at by school children.