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I like my chicken to be chicken

Posted: Monday, Mar 20th, 2017

Most of us know that when it comes to fast-food, you don't necessarily choose it for the choice ingredients or quality of cuisine.

It is all about fast.

I need a double cheeseburger, a huge French fry and a gallon of Diet Coke...NOW!

I am no connoisseur of fast-food. Sure, I like my after-bar-time Taco Bell as much as the next guy. And like that same next guy, I often regret it the day after. But I do try to eat most of my meals at home.

One reason is you just don't know what you are going to get. Just like no one knows what hotdogs are really made of I have heard everything from pig guts to chicken lips we also don't know what chicken McNuggets are made of either. Are they chicken? Chicken paste? Faux chicken? Chicken flavored soy-based synthetic chicken blobs?

Who knows?

But it turns out that if you want to get chicken at a Subway restaurant, you might want to not go to one. That's because a recent test showed that Subway chicken is only drum roll, please 50 percent chicken.

You read that right. The chicken is only 50 percent chicken.

Well, at least according to the test cited in the story. And the testing was a DNA test, so the likelihood of it being wrong is pretty low. Subway, of course, disputed the findings. Other fast-food chicken was found to be pretty much all chicken, which may be the most surprising finding of all.

(For the record, I like Subway and have had the chicken there many times. And I will get it again)

All of this begs the question: What is the other half if it isn't chicken? Ah, that's really what you are wondering, isn't it? Well, it is one of the following:

A. A diced space alien.

B. The crushed bones of carp.

C. The souls of teenaged fast-food workers.

D. Soy something-or-other

E. The tears of 1,000 children.

The answer is actually D, some kind of soy thing. If you guessed soy, good for you. If you chose C, please seek counseling immediately. If you chose E, duck into the nearest place of worship.

We shouldn't be surprised it is soy. I'm not even sure what soy is, but it is in everything food, sauces, medical equipment. Sure, I like soy sauce on my fried rice, but I'm not sure I want a pacemaker made out of it.

And soy is just not chicken. As far as I know, and I am no expert, chicken is chicken. When I order chicken, it would be great if it was 100 percent chicken. Just like when I order soy sauce I don't want them to substitute chicken sauce to dip my egg roll in.

I am not suggesting that we start running DNA tests on all of our food. First, it would be very expensive. Second, I'm not sure we want to know the results.

I am also not suggesting that you avoid eating fast-food. Sometimes it is the only option, although I would say if you are eating it every day you probably have bigger worries than your chicken being only 50 percent chicken.

But when I do choose fast-food and I order chicken, I should be fairly confident that I will be getting chicken and not, say, iguana

Because really, I only like my iguana roasted on a stick.

For the complete article see the 03-20-2017 issue.

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