I have a pretty good feeling that I am firmly on the naughty list this year … not that it is unusual for me.
Sure, I consider myself a good person. I am open minded, accepting, have a good sense of humor and try to be kind to people.
But I can also be a bit grumpy and judgmental at times. Both are not very good traits, but I am who and what I am.
No matter what list I find myself on – I still must go out and do some Christmas shopping. It is one of my least favorite activities, coming in just below going to the dentist and just above attending the funeral of someone I barely knew.
It is something I do every year, but I am not good at it. At all.
Now, I will admit I like it better now than I did even a few years ago, because I can do much of my shopping from the comfort of my couch. For someone like me, this has been a total bonus. It’s not enough for me to get excited about shopping – hardly – but I don’t instantly look for something to impale myself on when I think about it.
That is personal growth, people.
My wife and I are supporters of shopping local, so I do have to venture out into the world to get some things. I love to do my part for local businesses, but I don’t like shopping. The struggle is real.
But as my wife and family like presents just like everyone else, I put on my best fake smile and get out there with the unwashed masses.
Why don’t I like shopping? Let me count the ways.
First, I have to actually leave the house. I don’t mind leaving the house for things like work or to go to a concert or dinner with friends. But leaving the house to shop is really asking a lot from me – a person who prefers to order gifts while the History channel drones in the background.
Second, I must be in a crowd of, gulp, people. You know who you are, people who aren’t me. Sure, you might be nice and love your dog and write cool poetry, but I don’t really want to rub elbows with you at a local store. You seem a little too happy to be out and about. Frankly, that makes me suspicious.
Third, do you people even shower anymore? I see way too many people who apparently think it is fine to go out in public with so much grease in their hair that they could fry enough French fries to feed the State Champion Byron football team with it. Take a shower, people! You are going out in public. If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for the rest of us.
Fourth, and I will say this again for the people in the back – stop WEARING YOUR PAJAMAS IN PUBLIC. Did you all get that? It is the clothing version of screaming “I give up!” It seems to be most popular with young people or moms who can’t be bothered to put on jeans. Please, I beg of you. Think enough about yourself that you won’t go out into public with your night wear on.
Fifth, who picks the music in these stores? If I was a retail worker, I would be on the verge of tears/rage for my entire shift. Honestly, bad county/pop music will make me leave a store. I will simply drop whatever I planned to purchase on the spot and walk right out. And not all Christmas music is good Christmas music. How about we just go without the music, OK? We can shop in silence.
Sixth, kids. I may not be a fan of spanking, but some of the kids I see out at stores could probably use at least a good grounding. Why do people seem to simply let their kids run wild these days? It is fine to tell your kids to knock it off. The rest of us would welcome it. Better yet, if you can, leave them at home if they won’t be well behaved.
Like I said, I can be a bit grumpy. But don’t worry, it will pass.
On Dec. 26.