Early Shorts Guy jumps the gun again


It never fails. People always jump the gun when the weather gets even a little nicer.

Let’s face it – last week was nice. It was nice enough to walk around without a sweatshirt. It was even nice enough to open a few windows and turn the heat off. For me that is always a joyous occasion.

But there are always those people who act like it is the middle of summer that first nice day of spring. You know the person. They pull out the shorts, tank top and sandals and strut around town like they are at a Fourth of July celebration.

I was at the grocery store early in the week (see recent column) and there he was, the guy in the shorts and tank top, walking with his head held high and looking at the rest of us hunched over in our hoodies like we were extras on the set of “The Walking Dead.”

That guy always thinks he is superior, but he is not. He is testing Mother Nature, and that is never a good or smart thing to do. Because of that guy, I fully expect temperatures to plummet and snow to fly just to remind us that no, it is not summer and yes, that guy is jumping the weather gun.

The Early Shorts Guy (or ESG) is always a guy. Women are too smart to break out summer wear too early. He is also usually between the ages of 22-36. Let’s face it, if you are 22 you really don’t know any better. You are a babe in the woods. You are barely old enough to drink legally, and probably shouldn’t vote if you are wearing shorts and tank tops this early.

The 36 year olds are the failure to launch types. They are generally single and living at home still or again. Maybe they were married to their high school sweetheart, but she dumped him because he spent much of his time playing video games in his “man cave” with his “bros” from college. He didn’t graduate from college, of course, but he was there long enough to pledge a frat and meet a group of similarly stunted dudes.

Of course, when it comes to the ESG, there are outliers. There are the guys who just lost weight and discovered working out so they can’t wait to break out tank top. There are the guys who spend all winter in the tanning booth and need to remind the world that they are, in fact, brown year around. Skin cancer be damned!

There are the “cool grandpa” types who want to prove that they are still cool. If you must break out the shorts this early to prove you are cool, I have news for you – you aren’t.

And too many in this category still choose to wear socks with their sandals. No matter how many of you tell me you do this and like it, it is a horrible fashion choice. You are embarrassing your wife, trust me.

The ESG is a dude who probably played sports in high school but was never quite as good as he thought he was. He is more likely to have bought a class ring than the average guy in high school.

He was probably pointing at the camera in his school photo. His car wasn’t (or isn’t) fast but was (is) very loud. When he plays his car stereo, everyone around him hears it.

The ESG has about a 0.00000002 percent chance of being a vegetarian.

So, in this short window of time before the warm temps stick around, we will deal with the ESG. But at least those lily-white legs are a sign that winter is almost over.

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