Finally left the house and almost bought a shed


I used to think that I wouldn’t mind maybe retiring early, spending more time around the house.

You know the scenario – you putter around doing projects, eating healthy and spending quality time with your spouse and dogs.

Well, the reality is that, when I am not working on stories and editing copy for this fine newspaper, I am eating way too much and getting a bit stir crazy. We had a couple of geese land in the front yard last week and they stayed for a couple of days. When they finally flew off, I clung to the window with tear-streaked eyes and screamed, “come back, come back!”

I needed to get out of the house.

I volunteered to take a trip to Costco to get a few things that we needed: Some meals we can heat up and serve, some napkins, mac and cheese, booze – you know, the essentials.

I even found the mother lode – a 36 roll package of toilet paper. We were running low, so I grabbed it. I will be honest, I pushed around that cart with that giant mound of toilet in it feeling like Jeff Bezos shopping at Walmart. I was rich!

It is easy to get distracted in Costco. Yes, I believe I need that 14-gallon jug of honey and these new pants, and while I’m at it I will take 47 pounds of frozen cod. And sure, a new shower head.

So there I was wandering around the place feeling like a stud when I spotted it. It was magnificent. It was huge. It was basically a castle and I wanted to be the king that lived in it.

It was the greatest shed I have ever seen in my life.

Now, when I say shed, I am sure you are imagining some metal death trap that you and a few buddies slammed together one weekend, and all ended up getting tetanus shots because, let’s face it, you are not any good with tools in your hands.

No, this was not like that. First of all, it was made of hard plastic, and looked like it might survive nuclear winter. And it had a thin row of plastic windows at the top – windows! I’m sure that a professional basketball player could get a good view out of those windows because this was a big shed. It was 7-feet tall and 7-feet wide.

I have lived in smaller apartments. Even Donald Trump would consider it “yuuuuge!”

At first, I thought the price was $500. Wow! All of this shed for only $500! I could fit my riding lawnmower, wheelbarrow and lots of other tools and yard stuff that I am not really sure how to operate, but am required to own as a man, into it.

Wouldn’t my wife think I was smart if I snagged this killer shed for only $500? I tried hard to convince myself.

Then I moved around to the other side and saw the real price: $849. I still tried to convince myself this was a steal. My wife would still consider me a genius and hero! This would be the answer to every problem I have now or have ever had in my life! And it could double as a place to sleep when she kicked me out of the house for buying an $849 shed!

Thankfully, I snapped out of my Costco stupor. No, I didn’t buy the shed. Yes, I still dream about it. But I chalk this all up to the cabin fever we are all probably experiencing.

I am glad that I made it home shed-less. Maybe in a few weeks this will all be over, and we can get back to our normal lives.

When that day comes I will have one thought: I wonder if that shed is still available?

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