I always wanted my own advice column


There are many things I enjoy that I don’t exactly broadcast to the general public.

For example, while I am a rock music fan, I can’t help but love the sweet pop sounds of 1970s Swedish super group ABBA.

Embarrassing? Maybe. But “Dancing Queen” is such a perfect slab of fun I just can’t deny it.

I also am a fan of advice columns. There are plenty of them out there, and I read most of them. I think I honestly just take pleasure in the fact that my life is not that bad. I’m not sure how some people make it through the day.

My biggest problem with advice columns is that the answers are often way too general and too nice.

Well, this is the chance to “Ask Brad,” and I promise I will not sugar coat the problem.

Dear Brad: My name is Mike and I have a problem with my parents. I, like, really want them to back off of me sometimes and let me be myself. My grades aren’t great, but I won’t need them when I am a professional gamer. How can I get them off of my back? – Signed, Tired of It.

Dear Tired of It: I suggest you pack a few belongings in a small bag, slip out the back door in the middle of the night and join the circus … because it is clear to me that you are a clown. I understand why your parents don’t let you “be yourself.” You sound like a guy who sits on the new couch getting Cheetos dust all over it while playing games online with friends instead of studying and washing your hair. Seriously, your hair is pretty nasty. Just buckle down now and graduate. After that you can move out and ruin your life.

Dear Brad: I just can’t seem to get my kids to eat healthy foods. They always go for the chips and cookies, but never the fruits and vegetables. They won’t even eat the raisins I put in their school lunch. What can I do? – Signed, Worried Mom.

Dear Worried Mom: Wait a minute. Wait just one second. So, you are telling me that you try to force your poor children to eat raisins? Raisins? What kind of sick person tries to feed their children a grape carcass? You do realize that raisins are Satan’s candy, right? I guess my only question is why don’t you like your children? You can make it up to them by adding a delicious Ding Dong to their lunch daily.

Dear Brad: I am tired of my crazy uncle posting political stuff on Facebook all the time. I don’t agree with what he is posting, and he does it a lot. My friends might see that stuff and think I feel the same way. What can I do? – Signed, I Hate Politics.

Dear I Hate Politics: Well, you can do what I do and post a ton of stuff about making models, specifically models of WWII aircraft, to your social media account. It is a great way to lose friends and followers. Post about the hours of intricate work it takes to bring Japanese Zeros and P-51s to life. Describe in detail how you mix your own paints to get just the perfect color for your B-29 Superfortress model that your wife won’t let you display in the dining room because she apparently hates America! It should keep people away from your social media feed. It’s worked for me.

Dear Brad: I have a big problem. My best friend is a woman and I am a man. Nothing is going on, but my girlfriend doesn’t like it one bit. I have known my friend since we were in grade school, and I am very serious about my girlfriend. My question is, should I spend less time with my friend to make my girlfriend happy, or should I find a new girlfriend? My friends say I am being overly dramatic and need to grow up, but I know you will offer me the solid advice I need. What should I do? – Signed, Uncertain.

Dear Uncertain: Listen to your friends.