Well, I guess I don’t like Canada anymore.
It’s OK, because I have just been looking for an excuse to not like our neighbors to the north. They are all so nice, and happy and smug. They even speak French in parts of the country – French! I have half a mind to ship a truck load of Freedom Fries up to those people.
I have only met a few Canadians in my life, and they were just so smiley and happy that it made me suspicious. My wife and I met a couple from Canada on our honeymoon in Jamaica. They were very nice, sure. But I am not sure I trust a country that gave the world both singer Bryan Adams and peanut butter.
Yes, peanut butter. It was invented in Canada in the 19th century. So, everyone who is allergic to peanut butter now knows who to blame.
Blame Canada.
As a matter of fact, my helpful friend Google (which is American!) taught me that quite a few things come from Canada. Here is a partial list:
The egg carton.
The Wonderbra
Insulin
The paint roller
Garbage bags
Of course, as a fan of 1970s rock music, I will say that Canada did give the world the excellent progressive rock band Rush.
But that doesn’t matter now that we are at odds with our once friends. I now pledge to only listen to Rush albums on true American holidays, like the Fourth of July, Veteran’s Day and Boxing Day.
Yes, Canada is world’s most educated country, with more than half of its residents holding a college degree. That must be way they are so full of themselves.
And sure, Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. That is a lot of lakes and I’m sure it is very beautiful there… but I won’t fall so easily for their smart, beautiful country.
We have some great things in America, too. Take the Mall of America in Minnesota – a state that borders Canada. That mall speaks to the size and power of America! That mall is basically America in a building!
Oh, wait. Yeah. The Mall of America is owned by a Canadian company.
It is hard for me to trust a country that has no weapons of mass destruction – which Canada hasn’t had in more than 30 years.
And it’s not like Canada has been our buddy on the world stage. What’s that? Canada declared war on Japan after the attack on Pearl Harbor before the U.S. did? Huh.
Surprisingly, we don’t have a great track record when it comes to invading Canada, which we have done twice, in 1775 and 1812. We lost both times. And for the record, Canadians didn’t burn the White House in the War of 1812. That was the British, but those sneaky Canadians could have if given half a chance!
And please forget that one of the 13 articles in the 1781 U.S. Articles of Confederation states that if Canada wants to be admitted into the U.S., it will automatically be accepted.
No, I am no longer a friend of Canada. I don’t like hockey, it’s too cold and that those smiles must be fake, right?
