Since the debut of “Ask Brad” in a late March column, the questions have been flooding in. And by flooding in, I mean I haven’t gotten any questions. Not a single one.
But I won’t let a lack of questions stop me from following my dream of becoming an advice columnist. Look around you – you don’t have to be qualified to do anything these days.
So, in that spirit, I present another edition of “Ask Brad.” And remember, I will not be nice for the sake of being nice.
Dear Brad: I have a 7-year-old son who still sleeps in our bed. He’s a little on the shy side and doesn’t have many friends. But when I try to get him to be involved in more activities, he just shuts down. We are afraid that making him sleep in his own bed might just hurt him emotionally. What do you think? – Signed, A Good Mom.
Dear A Good Mom: Please do me a favor. Go to the nearest mirror and take a look at yourself. Then I want you to repeat “I am the problem” over and over until it sinks in. Stop coddling this kid. He’s 7! Why in the world is your little fragile angel still sleeping in your bed? It’s creepy! I would guess that once you start actually being a parent and move him into his own room, he will start to become more social. Or he will be a complete disaster for the rest of his life. Either way, it is your fault. Sorry.
Dear Brad: I just can’t take this heat. It has been horrible and I just can’t live like this. How are people supposed to live when it is this hot? What can I do? – Signed, I can’t Take It.
Dear I Can’t Take It: Do the best you can to tough it out this summer. Drink plenty of fluids and try to stay inside where it is air conditioned whenever possible. Then, next winter, when we again plunge into a Polar Vortex, I want you to strip off all of your clothes and run out into the cold and dance for joy. What’s that? You don’t like it that cold? Well, then it seems to me that the problem is not the weather. The problem is that you are never happy and love to complain. Try doing less of that.
Dear Brad: My husband won’t stop wearing socks with his sandals, no matter how many times I tell him how dumb it looks. He is a great father, makes a good living and is generally a very loving man. This is really the only thing about him that bothers me at all. What should I do? Signed, He is Really The Perfect Man.
Dear He is Really The Perfect Man: Divorce him. No one should have to live with any person – more like animal – who wears socks with sandals.
Dear Brad: I am a stay-at-home mom and have a couple of young boys who are driving me crazy. I try to keep them busy, but they have so much energy that I am at a loss. How can I make it through the rest of the summer? Signed, Too Much Energy.
Dear Too Much Energy: This sounds like me when I was a kid. Boy, I used to drive my mom crazy. Of course, this was before video games and Netflix and cellphones and thousands of channels on TV. We had to actually play and use our imaginations. But I know a surefire way to have your kids stay out of your hair for a while. First, buy a couple of bb guns. Second, buy two pairs of goggles. Third, tell them to go outside (with their goggles on – safety first!) and play “Army.” OK, I guess these days that might be a little extreme, but I sure did love shooting my friends with a bb gun when I was a kid. Hey, we kept it below the waist … at least we tried to. These days there would be too much crying and the police would be called and I’m sure years of therapy would follow. So, I guess you should just do you best not to come completely unglued and pray for school to start.