In an ever-changing world, there is a place macho men can still be men. You can dribble beer on your chins, bark at the neighbor over the fence and curse through the billowing smoke.
I am talking, of course, about grilling.
Yes, it is grilling season again in our region. A time for beautiful cuts of meat to be turned into horribly burnt meals that children, spouses and friends will have to suffer through. A time for men to ask people how they want their meat cooked, only to ignore all special orders and turn it into a blackened projectile that could take out a passing car.
That pork chop? It is now a paperweight. That lovely chicken breast? Your ravenous dog can’t seem to bite through it.
We men love to grill, but we are not good at it. Sorry, cupcake, but it’s true.
Men love to bemoan the fact that the changing world means that girls are now scouts, fly fighter jets and could be your doctor when you go in for a colonoscopy. The Neanderthals whine and cry and fight progress at every turn, but they still feel like true studs when it comes to grilling.
But the truth is, guys, most of you are not very good at it.
You certainly love to think we are, however. You have super fancy grills that cost hundreds of dollars. That Green Bay Packers grill cover set you back $50, but it is totally worth it, right sport?
Sure it is.
Those shiny grilling tools are off limits to the family and kept in a sacred space in the garage, only to be taken out for the ceremonial grilling on the animal flesh.
And make no mistake, this is about grilling meat. You want a man to grill asparagus or some other fancy vegetable that didn’t even exist back when men were still really men? Are you kidding?
No. You will only burn meat on your grills, not vegetables. That is the domain of tree-hugging liberals.
Sadly, while you have all of the tools to be a complete grill master – admired by most, feared by many – you just aren’t that good at it. Like your dad before you, you tend to spend more time strutting around the deck with a beer in your hand discussing giant spatula techniques with your cousin’s kid instead of actually paying attention to what you are grilling.
You spent three hours picking out the perfect ribeye steaks for this shindig, but managed to turn them into charred lumps in a matter of minutes.
So men, here is a grill tip: Pay attention to what you are doing. And if you want a well-done steak, I suggest you stop eating steak and go with tofu, because a well-done steak is simply not American.
And that chicken breast that you leave on the grill for a full hour is not fit for human consumption. You should also subject yourself to a good pecking by an irate chicken for your folly.
Grilling is about finesse. Grilling is about using the flame and heat properly in order to have a perfect meal. Grilling is about the food, not that hilarious grilling apron your grandkids got you that says, “You be chillin’ while grandpa be grillin’” on it with a picture of a man who looks a little too much like the fat Marlon Brando did near the end of his once-storied career.
So, go forth and grill, men. But do it with the goal of making actual edible food. Your family will thank you.
