Being a doomsday prepper not in my future


I would never make it as a doomsday prepper.

Does anyone remember the show about preppers than ran for a couple of years not that long ago? It showed people who were preparing for “events” they thought would happen so they and their family could survive.

What events? Well, a global war, a failure of the electrical grid, a failure of the monetary system, the Muslim Brotherhood takes over, a global pandemic – you name it. There were many events that could happen and drive people into shelters.

On the show, they looked at a person’s preparation and judged it. Most of the time, the results were not good. But it was interesting to see the mix of strange beliefs and real ingenuity.

I also recently read recently about a guy who prepared a space for hundreds of people in case one of these doomsday events takes place. He sold space to people – rich people, of course – so they could be protected from the unwashed masses if things went south.

He stockpiled tons of freeze-dried food, water and a giant pile of weapons. And people did pay … for nothing, really. It looks good on paper, but when reality slaps you in the face and you realize you spent the college fund you set aside for your kids because someone sold you a bleak view of the future, well, that can be embarrassing.

I, for one, know that doomsday prepping is not for me. First, I am not someone who sits around worrying about the end of the world or the collapse of society (although, admittedly, it has been on my mind a bit more recently). I tend to go out and enjoy life and not worry about stocking up on granola bars and potable water.

And to be honest, I would be the worst prepper of all time. It is not something that is in my skill set.

* I am not great at planning. To be a doomsday prepper, you have to have a plan – a plan to get to your safe space, a Plan B if the first plan fails, a plan to get more food and water if you run out, a plan to fix things when they break. Plan, plan, plan. Just thinking about that much planning gives me a headache. When I wake up in the morning, I try to plan an hour in the future – that’s as good as it gets.

* I don’t like freeze-dried food. I am not about to chow down on a meal I freeze-dried during the Bush Administration. No thanks. Even the military Meals Ready to Eat are simply horrible. No, if I can’t eat real, fresh food I am not going to eat. I would not last long in the apocalypse.

* Living in close quarters. If I have a compound in the middle of nowhere to escape to, chance are I will have friends and family with me. It would take about half a day before I realize this was a monumental mistake. Honestly, I don’t like to be around a lot of people. They can be annoying. They chew loudly. They talk about topics I care nothing about. They move their legs when I am trying to watch TV. (Sit still!). No, I would not do well in that situation. In fact, I would probably get kicked out of the shelter within a week.

* Honestly, if something breaks, we would be screwed. I have said before that I am probably the least handy man on the planet. As long as things are functioning properly, we would be good. The first sign of problems? We would be toast.

* Finally, I would be just too bored. I need the fresh air. I need to get out and see some sights. I need to play my Xbox. I need to get away from time to time. I get that if the lands are overrun with marauding psychos you need to stay put. But no electricity? Global financial collapse? I would still need to hit a drive-thru for some tacos.

No, I am not built for being a prepper, doomsday or otherwise.