Moving past Independence Day our next holiday won’t occur until September on Labor Day. We will just have to sweat out the next two months of summer before we can take another break. Maybe that’s why they call them the dog days of summer.
Working on the column this week and struggling to wake up the hamster in my brain to get him to turn the wheel. So, when all else fails, turn to humor.
Of course, those of you who know me understand that at times I have a penchant for the dark side of humor. I’m not one to be politically correct, nor does it bother me if I am not. With that said I’ll share some gems I find amusing, you may not, humor is in the eye of the beholder.
Last week a guy knocked on my door looking for a donation to the local orphanage. So, I gave him my kid.
My son asked if we could play escape room. So, I locked him in his room with a TV with no remote, analog watch, no iPad and instructions on how to get out written in cursive. I haven’t seen him all day.
I saw a sign that said, “watch for children.” I thought, that sounds like a pretty fair trade.
I was at the bank to withdraw money out of my account when the clerk said I had an outstanding balance. I told her, “Thank you, I did gymnastics as a kid.”
I’m heading to the bank to make a withdrawal. I’m so excited I can hardly pull my ski mask on.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “this isn’t working.” Not sure what she was talking about. I opened the fridge and it’s working fine.
I told my wife to embrace your mistakes and learn from them. So, she gave me a hug and left.
To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.
I always tell my new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.
I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can make Tuesdays.”
My parents raised me as an only child, which really infuriated my brothers and sister.
My mom always told me, “You may not be the dumbest person in the world, but you better pray he doesn’t die.”
The reason I look so young for my age is that my parents knocked me into the middle of next week so often I lost a decade off my life.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently “a way out” was not the appropriate answer.
At a safety meeting at work last week the instructor asked me, “What steps would you take in case of a fire?” I guess, “Really big and fast ones” wasn’t what he was looking for.
I want to be 16 again so I can ruin my life differently.
I need to get in shape. If I were murdered right now my chalk line would be a circle.
Someone asked me what type of exercises I enjoyed. I said running my mouth and jumping to conclusions.
My friends tell me I have two faults. Not listening and something else.
People who claim talk is cheap have clearly never counseled with an attorney.
Eight billion people in the world and somehow I’m the best driver.
At a wedding this weekend someone shouted to go stand next to the person who has made your life the most fulfilling. The bartender was so emotional he cried on my shoulder.
The problem with doing nothing is you never know when you are finished.
I won three million in the lottery last week. I decided to donate a quarter to charity. I now have $2,999,999.75 left.
You have $400 in your pocket. Your kid texts you he needs $200. What do you have left? $400 and an unread text.
I learned the average American drops 80-90 curse words a day. I also learned I’m above average at something.
Once you understand that pizza is round, comes in a square box and is eaten as a triangle then you will understand women.
Studies show that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
We used to have Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.
That’s it, I’m going to quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money. By my calculation I’ll be home about 11 p.m. tonight.
I just received my new bank balance and realize I could retire now and live comfortably for the rest of my life; as long as I die on Monday.
I wonder how many people read my columns and think, “I hope he’s getting professional help.”
Finally…
We squint at the sun because it’s bright. We squint at people because they are not.
Ron Kern is the manager of the Ogle County Farm Bureau.
