Even if you like winter, this one was too much


I am pretty convinced that I have mutated.

I have never felt like this before, and when I look at myself in the mirror I seem somehow … different.

The usual glow is gone. It has been replaced by pasty skin, sunken eyes and the dull smile of a person who couldn’t spell IQ if you spotted him the I.

I wander around the house, bumping into furniture and saying I’m sorry. I eat, but nothing seems to have much taste. And I am always tired. As a matter of fact, I think tha...

Sorry, I fell asleep for about 20 minutes there.

It has become clear that this cold, icy, unending winter has just about done me in.

I know I am not alone. I see you out there, shuffling around in giant winter coats, gloves and boots that appear to be three sizes too big. You hang your head so you don’t have to make eye contact with the others slouching around out there.

We deserve better than this. We deserve some warmth.

Seriously, this has been a winter to forget, and judging by most people I talk too, this is a pretty universal belief. That blast of cold air during the Arctic Vortex in January was just the beginning. We have spent much of the past couple of months in temperatures well below normal.

Sure, we have had some snow. But this has not really been an overwhelming snow season, I don’t think. It has been the cold, and the ice.

Ah yes, the ice.

The ice turned me into a dancer and an ice skater. We have a long driveway, so when I take the trash down every Monday on garbage day, I have to walk that driveway.

Well, when your driveway is a sheet of ice, “walking” is not exactly what you do. First, you begin to slide on the ice in a way that no one would ever describe as graceful. If real life were the Olympics, you would receive a score of zero from a panel of scoffing judges.

Then, as you try to stop your slide, comes the dancing. Not cool dancing, of course. No one is doing the Hustle out there. It is more like a bee hive fell into my pants dancing. You eventually come to a stop – either still standing or rolling around on your back – but once you manage to get up the whole routine starts again.

Use some salt, you say? Well, I tried. Apparently, every place that sells salt within a 100-mile radius was out. It took me weeks to finally find some ice melt.

I was able to get the ice melt down and finally, over days, chip and shovel the ice off of my driveway. When I took the trash out last week, I could actually walk normally. I almost cried tears of joy. It was still 25 degrees below normal, but at least I was in no danger of pulling a muscle or, even worse, breaking a bone.

As I write this, the weather is supposed to break soon. As you read this, it will probably be above freezing.

That means we will again be back to our upright, radiant selves soon. I can tell you, this is one spring and summer I am really going to enjoy.