Here are some things I really want for Christmas


OK all of you Christmas lovers out there, you are now safe to start driving us all crazy.

As it is now after Thanksgiving and December is officially here, you can put up your decorations. You can listen to your Christmas music. You can be happy and cheerful in the face of the cold, unhappy masses this holiday season.

Go ahead and watch the Hallmark Channel 24/7. Have your fun.

I used to be one of you. I loved Christmas music and Christmas movies and decorating and the whole shebang. Now I just wait until New Year’s Day, so it can all pretty much be over.

Why? I think it has something to do with gifts. When you are a kid, almost any gift – not new clothes, of course – can be a source of pure excitement. Any toy was high on the list. A new bike? Those were rare but a real source of bragging rights around the neighborhood. Games, sports equipment, electronics (such as they were in the 1970s) were all items that I loved. I was a greedy kid, after all.

That all sounds great, right? That’s why I loved Christmas.

Now that I am an adult with no kids at home, I still get a lot of cool things. My wife and family are very generous. But there are some things I really, really want that I never seem to get. Here is a partial list.

* More sleep. I never seem to get enough sleep these days. And if I am getting a decent night’s sleep, my bladder makes sure to wake me up for the short walk to the bathroom. That short trip to the bathroom and back is enough to wake me up and get the brain fired up. And then? Can’t fall back to sleep.

* Less ear hair. Seriously, what is it with ear hair? I whack away at it and it just comes back stronger than ever. It is a horrible curse, but at least I work to keep it under control. I wish all dudes did.

* A booth in a restaurant with no kids around. Sorry, it is another kid rant. I went out to dinner with my wife recently, and after making it through much of our meal, a family with three kids was seated behind us. No problem, except the parents let the kids kick the booth behind me incessantly. If looks could kill I would be on “Cops.” Maybe I should ask for better parents, and not no kids.

* A nice, thick head of hair (yes, on my head – not my ears!) I have never had a great head of hair. Sure, it has been long, but it has never been run-your-hands-though-it hair. Throw me a bone here.

* A very, very short and unusually warm winter. Look, we didn’t really have a fall, so is it too much to ask for a short winter. Santa, help a guy out!

* More patience while driving. I will admit that I have at least one meltdown a day driving. It could be because of someone driving impossibly slow down River Road, or some dude tailgating me on Route 20. I need a more Zen attitude while driving.

Like I said, this is a partial list. I could seriously go on and on, but no one wants to hear me complain, especially just after Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was fine, by the way, but it could have been better. Let me tell you about that…