I couldn't survive a survival show


There are many places I would love to visit. I love to travel and experience new things.

But, to be clear, I am talking about travel to beautiful places with nice accommodations. There will be no camping. There will be no “roughing it.” My mother used to say that to her, camping meant staying in a 2-star hotel. Yes, she was joking. Well, kind of joking.

I am my mother’s son. I have camped and have enjoyed it. One night and then back home. If I don’t shower every day, I feel like a caveman.

And going to the bathroom out in the wild is simply out of the question. It’s not the 1800s, people.

Yet, I love to watch shows like “Alone,” and “Life Below Zero.” I love to see people who haven’t been clean in what looks like weeks struggling to survive. While I turn up my nose at any exotic food, I don’t mind watching total strangers eat the eyes of a caribou they just shot.

That’s another thing – If I had to survive in the wild I simply couldn’t. I would die … quickly. I have been squirrel hunting, but I am not sure I could shoot a deer or another large animal. I like animals too much, and can buy meat that is already butchered and ready to go at the store.

That doesn’t mean I am anti-hunting at all. I am not, and know many people who hunt and enjoy it. It is just not for me.

A reality show starring me would be very different than watching people chop down trees to build cabins or set snares to snag their dinner for the evening. No, mine would not look like that at all.

Mine would include me looking for the perfect shampoo. I prefer something that smells minty. Not too harsh, but not a conditioner that will leave my already limp hair even more lifeless.

The cameras could even follow me to the salon where I get my hair cut. That’s right, the salon. I don’t go to a barber shop.

A day in the office editing copy, writing stories and designing pages on the computer is sure to bring in big ratings. Once a month an episode can feature me at the Ogle County Board meeting. Riveting!

Fans can even go online and decide which Lean Cuisine I should eat for lunch. I might be feeling like Sesame Chicken, but if the fans want Chicken with Almonds, so be it.

After work could include some activities like shoveling show, polishing my Harley-Davidson, which in in the sunroom along with my wife’s Harley this time of the year, or breaking down boxes from the all the stuff we get delivered from Amazon.

Instead of carving into a fresh carcass, I would order something from DoorDash.

There will also be the very manly activities of grilling steaks, mowing the yard, cleaning the garage and trimming my facial hair to perfection.

It might not be the same as seeing someone take down a bear that was destroying their home and then eating its meat and using its pelt for a blanket, but we could get some great shots of me playing the guitar and agonizing over which of the 25 pairs of Converse tennis shoes I should wear.

The point is, not all of us are made for a reality show. I will continue to enjoy these outdoors type survival shows while living a solid – and safe – middle class life. And I won’t have to gut anything before I eat.