I will use my powers for good


That was fast.

On the day that my column came out – July 13 – the Washington professional football team announced that it will be changing its name. Coincidence? I don’t think so!

(Yes, it is a complete coincidence, you dope. Do you honestly think you had anything to do with this decision?)

It is clear to me that I have pretty much made this happen.

(No, you didn’t).

But I don’t think we should be surprised that this would happen. I mean, I have been a journalist for nearly three decades and, well, I am kind of a big deal.

(No, you aren’t. You have worked at community newspapers your entire career.)

I don’t like to brag, but I actually came pretty close to winning a Pulitzer Prize some years ago for my investigative work.

(Now you are just making things up!)

After that, I was offered the chance to run the investigative team at the New York Times, but I opted to go to a small newspaper in Nebraska.

(You are pathetic. For the record, you have never been offered a job at the New York Times. But you did work at a small newspaper in Nebraska. It was a nightmare.)

And because I am a man and journalist of such immense power, I am now going to call for a number of other changes that need to happen as well. And trust me, all of these will happen once I write about them.

(No, they won’t).

* Outlaw minivans.

(Oh, boy).

As I have written before, they seem to be the most dangerous vehicles on the road. Minivan drivers appear to fall into some sort of trance that makes them crazy when behind the wheel. I have done the math, and fewer minivans means fewer accidents.

(First, this is just not true. Second, you can’t do math … at all. Do I need to break out your high school report card?).

* Give left-handed people a national holiday, Left-Handed Day. All left-handed people, and lefties only, will be off that day. We have suffered enough with your school desks designed for righties, and your torturous left-handed scissors. We demand a holiday!

(Settle down. Most people already realize that left-handed people are the greatest of all people – smarter, more attractive, better at pretty much everything. Why do you want to rub it in their face? Right-handed people already suffer enough).

* There should be a fine for people showing up to a backyard party carrying an acoustic guitar. We get it, you learned four chords and want to look cool. No, we don’t want to have a sing-along!

(Oh, but it’s fine when you do it, right Mr. Guitar Guy? Stop being a hypocrite and put your guitar back in the case).

* Jail people for smacking gum in public. It is a foul habit, and one that can annoy people to the point of anger. In fact, we should just outlaw gum chewing in general for people over the age of 10.

(Are you going to have gum police for this? You are embarrassing yourself).

* Finally, stop turning beautiful, delicious grapes into horrible, dried out raisins. No one likes them.

(Now you are making sense).